Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Key Takeaways

• Subtlety is the hallmark of covert narcissism, which combines subtle manipulation, passive aggressiveness and the need to be constantly validated.
• Unlike overt narcissism, it is disguised as more subtle, such as between a façade of sensitivity and self doubt.
• Covert narcissists suffer from empathy and emotional connection and tend to leave emotional neglect in their wake.
• As this requires a couple to be setting up strong boundaries and remain self aware, one should stay away from covert narcissists.
• Professional and therapy support can be life changing and help heal the emotional damage done by blatant narcissism.
• Aware of covert narcissism’s early signs can protect yourself and your relationships from long term harm.

Covert Narcissism: Understanding and Managing it

Picture this: You meet someone in your life who is worse than charming, he’s bad charming, oddly draining. They don’t flaunt it, but their barely hidden digs and need to always shine don’t help you feel your own worth. Sound familiar? You might have a covert narcissist on your hands who’s the quiet type and wrapped in a cloak of humility.

Don’t worry, there’s an entire industry built around this tricky terrain. In this article, we’re peeling back the layers of covert narcissism and showing you what really goes on underneath that quiet facade. We’ve got tools and insights, including from spotting the telltale signs to protecting your peace and even thriving beyond the chaos. All ready to get in control and reveal the truth? Keep reading, you’ll thank yourself later! 

How to Unmask the Hidden Narcissist

Have you ever had a 5′ wedding guest who is somehow motivating and important, regardless of how grumpy they act? They don’t say as much as they do, but you always feel like they’re the center of the universe. It’s the world of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and its tricky step sibling, covert narcissism. The classic narcissist thrives on the spotlight, the covert narcissist operates in the shadows, waging hidden wars of emotion that are so subtle you’ll likely miss it.

So, why should you care? Dealing with covert narcissists isn’t just about difficult people; it’s about getting your peace back, and protecting your boundaries and your relationships. Then we should plunge in and discover this hidden personality trait!

Narcissistic Personality Disorder : A Quick Look

The love of selfies is not all NPD is. It is a complex personality disorder where one possesses an inflated sense of self importance, a requirement to be admired, and what is often underlies in that pitiful self esteem. Not all of them are loud and obvious at all.

Key Traits of NPD:

• Grandiosity: Having an exaggerated sense of importance.
• Need for Attention: Constantly hunting the validation and admiration.
• Lack of Empathy: Problem understanding or caring about other people’s feelings.

Covert Narcissism: The Quiet Manipulator

And now, we have to meet covert narcissism, NPD’s introverted cousin. These people don’t crow about what they’ve accomplished, but rather play the victim, act humble and quietly bully others.

How They Operate:

• They project humility, but they are really craving admiration.
• They use guilt, passive aggressiveness or emotional withdrawal.
• It’s a subtly self centered, deeply impactful way of being.

What is so important about understanding covert narcissism?

If you lock your mental gate against covert narcissism, they can actually trample your emotional health with strained relationships, emotional exhaustion, and nonstop self doubt. By recognizing its traits:

• You can stop yourself from being manipulated.
• You’ll build healthier relationships and strengthen your boundaries.
• What’s more, you’ll stop second-guessing your instincts most importantly.

Are you ready to really start digging to find out? So first we’ll get started, you have this!

1. What is Covert Narcissism?

When you hear the words “classic narcissist” the person’s always blowing his own horn, heads hung out and wanting to be the star. But covert narcissism? That’s a whole different game. These are sneaky players, who avoid the limelight, but long for your applause. Narcissism but with a twist of plot. Let’s break it down!

1.1 Defining Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissists are the introvert’s of the narcissism world. Shy, humble and self deprecating, they may seem that way, but behind it is a deep need for validation and control.

Here’s what sets covert narcissism apart:

• Silent Superiority: You see, they don’t boast and still think they’re the smartest person in the room.
• Emotional Manipulation: They will guilt trip you into giving them attention.
• Fragile Ego: But beneath that ‘modest’ surface is hypersensitivity to criticism.

What is different about overt narcissists? Over the top narcissists scream, “Hey look at me”, as a more insidious covert narcissist confides, ‘It be all fancy its is to me’.

1.2 Causes and Origins of Covert Narcissism

What, then, makes someone a covert narcissist? Mostly it’s nature and nurture with a pinch of childhood to salt the mix.

Key contributors include:

• Childhood Experiences: Parenting too closely or too loosely can plant the seeds.
• Environmental Factors: Covert traits can stem from an unfulfilled life and a life of emotional neglect.
• Personality Development: How narcissistic tendencies are expressed may be a product of a natural tendency towards introversion.
• Think of it as a recipe: insecurity, a bunch of emotional wounds, and a need for recognition that’s in the spring.

Examples in Daily Life:

• An overt narcissist might have bragged about their big promotion at dinner.
• It may feel like a covert narcissist will sigh and say, ‘I didn’t get the recognition I deserved… It’s okay. I‘m naturally used to being overlooked.”

See the difference? They make you scream for attention, tug at your heart strings, but once they’ve left you cry yourself dry.

Your first step to spotting (and dealing with) covert narcissism is understanding these differences. There’s more to be found, stick around!

2. Covert Narcissism and Signs and Traits.

A covert narcissist is like gathering in a magician mid performance, covert narcissists are sneaky, subtle and leave misdirection through the cracks. Don’t worry, we’re here to reveal their tricks so you’ll know what you’re seeing.

2.1. Common Behaviors of Covert Narcissists

Covert narcissists don’t raise their red flags—they just slip them into your life. Here’s what to look for:

• They manipulated you emotionally, did it for you, and finally, used passive-aggressiveness.

While they may not literally yell or ask for your resignation, they certainly will insist that you aren’t good enough, until you decide you aren’t. You will get guilt trips, silent treatments, and all the “Was that a compliment or an insult?” moments.

• Low Self Esteem Combined with a Constant Need For Validation

She is like somebody fishing for compliments with a broken rod. They crave your praise but will pretend to brush it off, “Oh no, I’m not that good…” (Translation: (Speak, tell me I’m amazing again!).

• No Empathy or Subtle Emotional Neglect

You’ll get a nodding ‘that’s tough’ but not much else. They’re pros at seeming so supportive they give just the right amount of attention but focus on themselves the whole time.

2.2 How Covert Narcissists Operate

If covert narcissists were to write a communication guide, it’d be titled: “What You Need to Know About How to Confuse and Control Without Getting Caught.” Here’s how their word games work:

Phrases and Tactics They Use:

• [Gaslighting alert!] I was only joking, you’re too sensitive.
• “He listens to his aunt’s advice all the time but never listens to mine.” ( cue the guilt trip.)
• (Fishing for pity points) ‘I guess no one values what I do.’

The Role of Shaming, Blaming, and Creating Confusion:

• They know how to make you start doubting yourself with their tension between compliments and criticism —‘You’re so smart, why would you do something so silly?’
• You will be the scapegoat if something goes wrong. Their motto: “It’s never my fault!”
• Ambiguity fuels them, causing you to turn it over and over again between phrases like ‘you know what I mean’ or ‘if you cared I wouldn’t have to explain’.

A Quick Reality Check

Talking to a covert narcissist feels like walking through a maze blindfolded. They’ll foodie you funnily to drop breadcrumbs of attention while quietly steering you into a trap of emotions. Acknowledge these behaviors, because you are your way out and the first stop in protecting your peace.

Keep tuned; we shall teach you how to play their mind games like a boss!

3. Covert Narcissism’s Impact on Relationships

Covert narcissists not only disrupt them, but infiltrate. In romance, family, work: their small brinkmanship can mess with your strongest ties. Read on to find out how their behavior unfolds in each relationship – and the not-so-fine trails of emotion they leave behind.

3.1 Romantic Relationships

Relationship with a covert narcissist can be like any love story and at the same time psychological thriller. They may first seem attentive and supportive, but then their patterns show.

Challenges Faced by Partners:

• Endless guessing games: “I’ve done it again, what have I done wrong this time?”
• Emotional whiplash: From loving gestures to ice withdrawal, often the same day.
• Gaslighting galore: To make you feel like you’re the “problem” in the relationship, or like you’re making you question your reality.

Patterns of Control and Emotional Damage:

• Subtle power grabs disguised as care: It’s only for you, I’m only doing this for you!
• Undermining confidence: They’ll let you praise them enough to keep you hooked and not really thriving.
• Isolation tactics: Keeping you away from those who just might see through their act.

3.2 Family and Friend Dynamics

Covert narcissists don’t just attack paramours; Covert narcissists can be destructive in families and friendships, too. Their actions are fine, they slowly bleed support and trust.

How They Affect Family Relationships:

• Playing favorites: And, they will have siblings or family members square off with each other for their own ends.
• The perpetual victim: “…In this family nobody ever understands me…”
• Invisible strings: And they’ll use guilt or obligation to control others.

Impact on Friendships:

• Emotional drain: They always return to them struggling or succeeding.
• Trust erosion: Sharing a secret? Later it would be quietly weaponized.
• Flaky yet entitled: And they’ll give you the bare minimum, while requiring unwavering loyalty.

3.3 Workplace Behavior

Covert narcissists in the office aren’t the loud, domineering types, but they can still sicken the well with their passive aggressive shenanigans and manipulative bent.

How They Impact Colleagues:

• They’ll claim successes but they’ll throw away failures on them.
• Backhanded compliments: “Great idea! Surprised you thought of it!”
• Sabotage by omission: Notably something “forgetting” to share key info.

Professional Consequences of Their Behavior:

• Toxic team dynamics: Co-worker morale falls, trust erodes, and co-workers get frustrated.
• Career stalling: This may prevent team members from shining because their need for control.
• Silent drama: Office tension spikes, but they often get away with riding the radar.

Why This Matters

Covert narcissists play nice at romance, and not so nice in the workplace. Once you see that pattern, you can start to protect yourself, protect your relationships. Up next: for these tricky dynamics handed like a pro!

4. Coping With Covert Narcissists

It’s like playing chess with a caricature of a parent, someone who’s constantly changing the rules, but you can outsmart their moves! Setting boundaries, good communication, and knowing when to bring in the reinforcements will insure that you protect your peace and take your power back.

4.1 Setting Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are your personal force field that is a MUST HAVE when you are living with a covert narcissist.

Practical Strategies to Maintain Boundaries:

• Define your limits: State clearly what behavior you’re and aren’t going to put up with.
• Stick to your “no”: It’s no excuses, no guilt, just a confident “no, thank you.”
• Physical space matters: Make literal distance if you need to by having a separate desk or time alone.

Guarding Against Manipulation and Passive Aggression:

• Recognize the guilt trips: I’m going to always remember them saying “I just thought you cared…” and it’s not your job to carry their emotions.
• Don’t engage in their games: Do not fight about racked up lies or implied shootings.
• Use neutral responses: One of the best ways to shut down manipulative tactics is to keep it calm, give a polite, “I hear you.”

4.2 Best Communication Strategies

It’s not unlike walking a conversation minefield with a covert narcissist, but with the right tools, you can talk to him just fine.

How to Advocate for Yourself Without Escalation:

• Use “I” statements: Instead of, “You’re always telling me you’re always dismissing me,” try, “I feel not heard when…”
• Stay calm and concise: Don’t feed them the environment to react to. Keep it short and sweet.
• Don’t seek validation from them: Lumps them up so they’re not poisoned by your unaskable questioning.

Tools for Managing Conflict:

• Focus on facts: Don’t fall into their diversions; stay on point with the issue at hand.
• Time-outs are your friend: If the conversation gets out of hand, stop and think about it later.
• Practice assertiveness: “It’s what I need, and I expect it to be treated that way.”

4.3 When to Seek Support

It’s not always fun when climbing a mountain without gear, but at least you’re alone. It’s times like that where we need outside help.

Recognizing When Professional Help Is Necessary:

• Their behavior is affecting your mental or physical health.
• When boundaries don’t feel so easy or minimal conflict is inevitable.
• When you begin to doubt your perception or you are caught.

Therapy Options for Individuals Affected by Covert Narcissism:

• Individual therapy: A place to work through emotions and self confidence.
• Group support: This is a chance to connect with people who’ve also had to go through the same thing.
• Specialized counselors: But phone a therapist who understands how narcissistic abuse works.

Pro Tip: Self-Care Is Non-Negotiable

Since a covert narcissist is so draining, put your well being first. It’s about flowers for your neck, journaling, yoga, or just saying ‘nope’ to their drama. You’re not here to fix them, you’re here to protect you.

There will be additional information on how to thrive and heal after dealing with covert narcissism!

5. Healing and Moving Forward

Surviving a covert narcissist is no small feat, but here’s the good news: you can heal and thrive. This is your emotional glow up, rebuilding trust, strengthening healthier relationships and learning to be on the lookout for narcissists in the future.

5.1 Emotional Damage Recovery

The emotional damage from covert narcissists is like invisible bruises, but over time and with the right steps you will heal.

Steps to Rebuild Self-Esteem and Trust:

• Reconnect with your inner cheerleader: However big or small, focus on your strengths and your accomplishments.
• Set mini-goals: Tackle small, achievable milestones to regain confidence, be it a skill, a ‘yes’ to something new.
• Surround yourself with positivity: People who lift you up and bring back the memories of your worth you need lean on.

Role of Therapy and Support Groups:

• Therapy: Untangling the mental knots left behind and giving you coping tools is what a therapist can do.
• Support groups: Now I know I’m not the only one. Some other people get it and they root for your recovery.
• Journaling therapy: Written down, your thoughts will process your emotions and chart your progress.

5.2 Healthier Relationships, Building

The best revenge? Creating space to build connections that feel kind, honest and supportive.

Recognizing and Fostering Healthy Patterns:

• Look for mutual respect: Two ways streets compared to one way alleys are what healthy relationships feel like.
• Celebrate vulnerability: Without fear of judgement and expect it back.
• Value independence: Don’t lose your hobbies, friends, and “me time.”

Tools for Emotional Resilience and Growth:

• Practice assertiveness: Arbitrarily assume that a no longer-woke person doesn’t have the right to state their reality.
• Set boundaries early: The clearer limits, the easier they are to maintain.
• Focus on gratitude: You deserve nothing less, appreciate those who truly make your life better.

5.3 How to Avoid Future Encounters with Covert Narcissists

When you’ve survived the first covert narcissist, you know how to avoid them in the future.

Identifying Warning Signs Early:

• Watch for inconsistencies: Sweet words and sour actions? Major red flag.
• Spot the subtle victimhood: Proceed with caution if they’re always the misunderstood martyr.
• Gauge empathy: Compassion is not a discussion, but a their kind of people will show compassion.

Developing Self-Awareness:

• Trust your gut: Don’t ignore it if it feels off.
• Know your triggers: Consider why you draw to some people and what is that draws you to them.
• Build emotional armor: To not fall for these tactics, strengthen your self worth.

Ready to Thrive?

Time takes to heal, but every step is a win. That means you’re not just moving on—you’re leveling up: You’re forming the life you’d like: healthy relationships, peace. The covert narcissist? Nothing more than a footnote in your tale of rising and rubbing the soil off. You’ve got this, let’s continue to walk forward.

6. Resources and Support

Sometimes, all your daily affirmations + good vibes + self help books just aren’t enough to help you heal from being in a relationship with and then dealing with the aftermath of a covert narcissist. This will be depending on whether you have a licensed therapist, an online guide, or a supportive community to guide you through. Your kit for experiencing recovery and restoring your peace.

6.1 Professional Help Options

You, as your compass, when you feel like you’re trapped in an emotional maze, professional help is just what you need.

Licensed Therapists Specializing in NPD and Related Disorders:

• Find therapists specialising in narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and emotional abuse.
• They can help you untangle confusing emotions, create boundaries and rebuild your sense of yourself.
• Bonus: In addition, they will also alert you to what red flags to look out for in future relationships.

Online Therapy Platforms and Resources:

• Convenient options: You can choose to see a therapist from BetterHelp, Talkspace, or any other platform where you get to sit on your couch and connect via video with a licensed therapist.
• Specialized therapy programs: You’ll want to seek out programs designed for survivors of narcissistic abuse.
• Affordable and flexible: Financial aid and customizable schedules are available on many platforms and a good place to start.

6.2 additional Mental Health (Macro) Resources.

However, self help doesn’t mean doing it all alone. These are essentially like having someone in your back pocket who guides you to the right resources.

Personality Disorder Tests and Self-Help Guides:

• Tests for insight: Using online tools may help you learn just how much covert narcissism may be negatively affecting your mental health.
• Self-help books: There are titles such as “Healing from Hidden Abuse” or “The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist” that provide actionable advice and tells a story you can relate to.
• Worksheets and exercises: Free guides to practice setting boundaries, boosting self esteem and managing stress are available for download.

Helplines and Community Support Networks:

• Helplines: Crisis hotlines are there if you are feeling overwhelmed for immediate support, no judgment, just help.
• Community forums: Look into groups such as Reddit’s r/NarcissisticAbuse for other experiences and advice.
• Local support groups: Find meetups or organizations near you to connect with people who truly ‘get it’.

Pro Tip: Curate Your Support Squad

Reach out to people who will support and champion your growth: your therapist, your best friend, or an online community of people going through the same shit. Don’t have to walk this journey alone, just a click, call, or session away is support. Remember, progress is progressing, you’re well on your trip way to thriving.

FAQs : Frequently Asked Questions

How can you recognise a covert narcissist? 

They often appear to be covert narcissists, i.e., they may show traits of passive aggressive, chronic self pity and hidden sense of superiority. There’s a part of them that wants to be validated but they do it in such an oppressed way as a victim. They are not like overt narcissists who are regarded to be more extroverted — and their behavior is more difficult to detect.

How is covert narcissism different from overt narcissism? 

Subtler and less outwardly aggressive that overt narcissism is covert narcissism. Overt narcissists profess to love admiration and attention, but covert narcissists can be shy and reserved yet they still crave attention, too. In covert narcissists there are often toxic manipulation by guilt, hot words and passive aggressive behaviors, but no overt domination.

Do covert narcissists love or feel empathy? 

Covert narcissists can form relationships but they’re usually really bad at real love and empathy. They typically find it difficult to really emotionally connect, putting the needs and desires of others last. You might literally see them mirror the behavior of caring, but in terms of their empathy… it’s often shallow and self serving.

How exactly do hypocritical narcissists emotionally manipulate others? 

They are covert narcissists who gaslight, use guilt tripping, or walk away emotionally. They are the victim to get sympathy, but to control people they do not have to appear aggressive. Subtle in their manipulation, it’s hard for others to pick up on the harm they’re doing.

Common behaviors of a covert narcissist in relationships? 

Covert narcissists can appear emotionally distant in relationships but they still insist on constant attention and admiration. They do fly their discordant feathers to other people, often using passive aggressive behavior to make their partner feel guilty because they don’t meet their unspoken needs. And because they can’t fully empathise, it produces emotionally exhausting dynamics.

Are covert narcissists able to change or go to therapy? 

Covert narcissists can change, but it takes a determination to work through very deep seated issues, and covert narcissists find that hard. If they have the motivation, there’s therapy, particularly by a qualified professional. But change is slow and can be derailed by their unwillingness to admit how they behave.

What does covert narcissism do to family relationships and friendships? 

It rots away emotional intimacy and trust in family and friend relationships in the form of covert narcissism. They do this by playing the victim or making others liable for their happiness. In time, this causes imbalance and drains the emotions of others.

How is it to marry a known covert narcissist? 

However, marriage to a covert narcissist can often involve a great deal of emotional neglect, some pretty subtle manipulation and no genuine intimacy. Narcissists will often pretend to ‘defer’ to you in order to gain attention and make you think they admire you, but they’ll offer nothing in return. With time, this becomes a toxic dynamic going on whereby one partner is always looking for validation while the other drains emotion out of her.

What do you do if you’re dealing with a covert narcissist? 

With a covert narcissist, you need to communicate using clear, strong, and consistent boundaries. What is crucial is to be able to stand by your limits and be immune to guilt or manipulation. It’s important to know that when you will stand by those boundaries, and even if it means emotionally distancing yourself.

And if you’ve been dealing with a covert narcissist well, how can you heal? 

That doesn’t mean that you’re doing okay now, undoing everything you learned, and foregoing the support of a good therapist if you have one. In the meantime, coaching and therapy, or support groups, may help you to build self-esteem and emotional resilience. The key steps in regards to recovering from the emotional damage caused by a covert narcissist are learning to recognize your own worth and learning to practice self care.

What is the abbreviation for covert narcissist personality disorder? 

There is no common abbreviation for covert narcissistic personality disorder, or NPDD, although some call it just that, or item by item: covert or NPDD. In informal settings, covert NPD is often also simply called NPD. The shorthand of “covert” and “NPD” (narcissistic personality disorder) should help to clarify things.

Conclusion

Subtler than overt narcissism, covert narcissism can make sense of its clues — and work toward protecting your mental and emotional well being — the first step. It goes without saying that covert narcissists tend to leave deep marks on relationships and they do so by lashing out at their partners emotionally and by being unable to form healthy and authentic relationships with them. It is important to remember, if you find yourself asking for support, set healthy boundaries, and place yourself above everything when you need it. You deserve fulfilling, authentic relationships and with the right tools you will understand how to navigate and heal from these challenging encounters. You’ve got this, take a deep breath.